Anyone who owns a pet knows that very quickly these animals become part of our family. I could write endlessly about the benefits of having a family pet and how much it can enrich a child’s life to have a cat/dog/guinea pig/ chicken to care for. But, of course, when you love an animal this much, you open yourself up to the risk of heartbreak. This is something we’ve just lived through, when our gorgeous family cat, Bear, became very poorly, very quickly, completely out of the blue and we had to make the unbelievably difficult decision to stop his pain and put him to sleep. Navigating pet loss as an adult is so painful and utterly devastating, but coping with this grief as a parent with young children brings with it another level of difficulty.

Losing a pet can often be a child’s first experience of grief, and it’s something I’ve had to work through gently with my 4 year old and 7 year old. Bear was at the centre of their world; this ridiculously fluffy cat had been a constant in their little lives and the sadness at not having him around has been a lot to deal with. While nothing can take that pain away, I’ve found there have been certain things that have helped the children come to terms with losing our beloved family pet. If you’re reading this after losing one of your fur babies, I’m truly so sorry. But I hope that some of the things that helped our family through may be useful in helping your child to cope with pet bereavement.

Being honest

Instinctively you want to protect your children and cocoon them away from the reality when a pet gets poorly. It was my wonderful mum who made me realise that I had to be completely honest with the children when our cat became very unwell. She has had to navigate many a pet loss with me and my 3 sisters (a side effect of having a soft-hearted vet as a Dad who couldn’t resist adopting all the waifs and strays that ended up at his surgery), and I’m forever grateful for her advice. As upsetting as it was, it was very important to be honest with the children to help prepare them as much as I could for losing their cat. I explained that Bear was very poorly, that the vets were trying their hardest to make him better again but he might be too poorly for them to save. This gave them a chance to start processing their feelings and ask any questions they needed to.

Saying goodbye

Having to have our cat euthanised broke all of our hearts, but we knew it was the kindest thing for Bear. It also meant we had the chance to say goodbye to him properly. Whether you decide to take your children to the vets to be able to say goodbye to their pet is a personal choice and only you know whether this would be helpful or too upsetting for your children. I think age also comes into it. Both our 4 year old and 7 year old wanted to come and see Bear at the vets to give him a stroke, kiss and tell him how much we all loved him, and we were given the space to say our goodbyes in private. While it was important for us that the kids got to see Bear one last time, we also felt it was completely unnecessary and far too upsetting for them to be present when he was put to sleep, so my husband took them out while I stayed with our cat. They were also very insistent on seeing Bear after he’d been put to sleep, which I was very unsure about. However, seeing him wrapped in a blanket as though he was asleep seemed to take away the scariness of the unknown and helped give both children a little closure.

Talk about death in a way that works for your family

While we can’t skirt around the fact that death is permanent, it’s important to address losing a pet in a child-sensitive way. Use language they can understand – we found talking about Bear being “put to sleep” was too confusing for our 4 year old to grasp. Find a way to talk about death in a way that works for your family. For some, this may be that the pet has gone to heaven or that they are having a forever sleep dreaming the best dreams. Personally we like to talk about animals – and humans – we’ve lost as turning into stars in the sky. Explaining that the children can always look up to the sky and Bear will be there, twinkling for them, really did help bring some comfort.

Making a grave or memory corner

Having a space where the children can go and remember their pet is so helpful as they come to terms with their loss. We buried our cat in the garden and the children spent time painting stones to place on his grave. I often see them standing at this spot chatting away to him, and I’m happy they have a place to go to feel connected when they miss him. If you decide to have your pet cremated and scatter their ashes, consider creating a special corner in the garden to remember them. 

Talk, a lot

Let children ask all the questions they need and try not to shut down any talk about your pet if they instigate it. While I found it hard to constantly have to talk about our beautiful cat when I was grieving myself, it really helped my kids to accept what had happened. Give them the space to talk as much as they need and don’t shy away from bringing up the topic of conversation too. Don’t underestimate their feelings and don’t be afraid to share your own sadness.

Talk to the school

If your child is really struggling and is very upset, it’s useful to talk to their teacher and discreetly explain what has happened. Having someone at school keeping an eye on them and being there if they need to talk will help them get  through those early days of grief.

If you’re going through this at the moment, please know it does get easier. Three months down the line and, although we miss our gorgeous Bear so much, it’s not so painful to remember the happy times. Sending solidarity if you’re in the thick of it with you children right now.